伍迪單口相聲精選 第1期:伏特加廣告The Vodka Ad

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請伍迪·艾倫先生。

Thank you. Let me start at the very beginning. I did a vodka ad, that's the first important thing.

謝謝。我還是從頭說起，我做的第一件大事與做伏特加酒廣告有關(guān)。

A big vodka company wanted to do a prestige ad, and they wanted to get Noel Cowardoriginally for it. But.

有家很大的伏特加酒公司想打個(gè)有影響的廣告，一開始他們想請諾埃爾·考沃德【1】來做，但是……

He was not available, he had acquired the rights to My Fair Lady, and he was removing themusic and lyrics, make it back into Pygmalion.

他脫不開身，因?yàn)樗@得了《窈窕淑女》【2】的著作權(quán)，正忙著將這部劇的音樂和唱詞去掉，重新改回到《皮格馬利翁》。

They tried to get Laurence Olivier, and Howdy Mokey. They finally got me to do it. I'll tell youhow they got my name, it was on a list in Eichmann's pocket, when they picked him up.

他們還去找過勞倫斯·奧立佛和豪迪·羅基等等。最后他們找到了我來做。我來告訴你們他們是如何知道我名字的，它被列入了艾赫曼【3】的黑名單，在他們抓到他時(shí)在他衣袋里搜出來的。

And I'm sitting home, and I'm watching television.

當(dāng)時(shí)我正坐在家里，看著電視。

I'm watching a special version of Peter Pan on television, starring Kate Smith, and they arehaving trouble flying her, because the chains keep breaking all the time, you know.

我看電視里正在放一個(gè)特別版本的《小飛俠彼得潘》，由凱特·史密斯【4】主演，當(dāng)他們想讓她飛起來時(shí)遇到了麻煩，你知道，因?yàn)榈跛逆湕l老是斷。

And the phone rings and a voice on the other end says, "How would you like to be this yearsvodka man?", and I say, "No. I'm an artist, I do not do commercials. I don't pander.

電話鈴響了起來，另一頭有個(gè)聲音說：“你愿不愿意成為本年度的伏特加代言人?”我說：“不，我是藝術(shù)家，我不做商業(yè)廣告，我不拉皮條。

I don't drink vodka and if I did, I would not drink your product."

我不喝伏特加，即使我喝，我也不喝你們的產(chǎn)品。”

He said, "Too bad. It pays fifty thousand dollars." and I said "Hold on. I'll put Mr. Allen on thephone."

他說：“太可惜了，這可以掙五萬美元。”我說：“慢著。我去叫艾倫先生來接電話。”

And I was caught here in an ethical crisis. Should I advertise a product that I don't actuallyuse?

于是我陷入了道德危機(jī)之中，我應(yīng)該去給我實(shí)際上并不使用的產(chǎn)品做廣告嗎?

It's a problem 'cause I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate...eh...spirits, really.

這的確是個(gè)問題，因?yàn)槲也缓染疲业纳眢w受不了……酒精，真的。

I had two martinis new years eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

有年除夕我喝了兩杯馬提尼，結(jié)果我想劫持一部電梯飛到古巴去。

In the past whenever I had any sort of...emotional problem, I used to consult with my analystall the time. This is public knowledge, I was in analysis for years, 'cause of a traumaticchildhood I had.

以前每當(dāng)我碰到任何……感情問題，我總是去向我的心理醫(yī)生求助，這是大家都知道的事。我已經(jīng)做了很多年的心理分析治療，因?yàn)槲业耐觐H受創(chuàng)傷。

Remember I was breastfed from falsies.

記得我小時(shí)候是被假胸哺乳大的。

It scarred me emotionally, you know. I was in a strict freudian analysis for a long time.

你知道，這使我的心靈深受傷害。我接受嚴(yán)格的弗洛伊德精神分析治療相當(dāng)長時(shí)間了。

My analyst died two years ago, and I never realized it, and now, whenever I have any sort ofproblem, I consult with my spiritual counselor, who in my case is my rabbi.

我的心理醫(yī)生兩年以前就死了，可我一直沒意識(shí)到。現(xiàn)在，無論我碰到什么樣的問題，我都去請教我的精神顧問，對我來說就是我的拉比。

I called him on the phone and laid the proposition on him, and he said, "Don't do it, 'cause it'sillegal and immoral to advertise a product that you don't use, just for the money."

我打電話給他，說了讓我做廣告的事，他說：“別去做，因?yàn)槿绻皇菫榱隋X給你并不使用的產(chǎn)品做廣告，這既不合法也不道德。”

And I said, "Okay." And I passed the ad up and I must say, that it took great courage at thetime, 'cause I needed the money, I was writing and I needed to be free, creative.

我說：“好吧。”于是我推掉了廣告。我得承認(rèn)，我在當(dāng)時(shí)下了很大的決心，因?yàn)槲倚枰X，我正在寫書，我需要無后顧之憂的、富于創(chuàng)造力的生活。

I was working on a non-fiction version of the Warren report.

我那時(shí)正在創(chuàng)作《沃倫報(bào)告》【5】的非虛構(gòu)版本。

I'd just passed the ad up and a month later I'm leafing through a Life magazine, and I see aphotograph of Monique van Vooren in a slim bikini bathing suit, and she is on the beach inJamaica, and there, next to her, with a cool vodka in his hand, is my rabbi.

就在我拒絕廣告一個(gè)月之后，有天我隨手翻閱《生活》雜志，看到一張莫妮克·凡·弗倫【6】的照片，身穿衣不蔽體的比基尼泳裝，在牙買加的海灘上，而在她的旁邊，有個(gè)人手握一瓶清涼的伏特加，那人正是我的拉比。

So I call him up on the phone, you know, and he puts me on hold.

于是我又打電話給他，你知道，他讓我一直等著。

What happened is, that he wanted to go into show business - he had done a late night prayeron television.

發(fā)生的事情是他已打算涉足娛樂行業(yè)——他正在電視里表演深夜祈禱。

He was in the middle of the twenty-third song and he tried to ad-lib, you know, tried to namethe ten commandments, couldn't think of them quickly and instead he named the SevenDwarfs.

當(dāng)“第二十三篇贊美詩”【7】講到一半時(shí)，他想即興發(fā)揮一下，說說“十誡”，可是他一下子記不清了，反而說出了七個(gè)小矮人的名字。

He's got a discotheque now in his college, with topless rabbis, y'know, no scull cap on.

現(xiàn)在他已經(jīng)在他的學(xué)會(huì)里開了家迪斯科舞廳，里面有上身裸露的拉比表演，我是說不戴圓頂小帽【8】的拉比。