雙語·面紗 第七十八章
As the ship steamed into Marseilles, Kitty, looking at the rugged and beautiful outline of the coast glowing in the sunlight, on a sudden caught sight of the golden statue of the Blessed Virgin which stands upon the church of Sainte Marie de la Grace as a symbol of safety to the mariner at sea. She remembered how the Sisters of the convent at Mei-tan-fu, leaving their own land for ever, had knelt as the figure faded in the distance so that it was no more than a little golden flame in the blue sky and sought in prayer to allay the pang of separation. She clasped her hands in supplication to what power she knew not.
During the long, quiet journey she had thought incessantly of the horrible thing that had happened to her. She could not understand herself. It was so unexpected. What was it that had seized her, so that, despising him, despising him with all her heart, she had yielded passionately to Charlie's foul embrace? Rage filled her and disgust of herself obsessed her. She felt that she could never forget her humiliation. She wept. But as the distance from Hong Kong increased she found that she was insensibly losing the vividness of her resentment. What had happened seemed to have happened in another world. She was like a person who has been stricken with sudden madness and recovering is distressed and ashamed at the grotesque things he vaguely remembers to have done when he was not himself. But because he knows he was not himself he feels that in his own eyes at least he can claim indulgence. Kitty thought that perhaps a generous heart might pity rather than condemn her. But she sighed as she thought how woefully her self-confidence had been shattered. The way had seemed to stretch before her straight and easy and now she saw that it was a tortuous way and that pitfalls awaited her. The vast spaces and the tragic and beautiful sunsets of the Indian Ocean rested her. She seemed borne then to some country where she might in freedom possess her soul. If she could only regain her self-respect at the cost of a bitter conflict, well, she must find the courage to affront it.
The future was lonely and difficult. At Port Said she had received a letter from her mother in answer to her cable. It was a long letter written in the large and fanciful writing which was taught to young ladies in her mother's youth. Its ornateness was so neat that it gave you an impression of insincerity. Mrs. Garstin expressed her regret at Walter's death and sympathised properly with her daughter's grief. She feared that Kitty was left inadequately provided for, but naturally the Colonial Office would give her a pension. She was glad to know that Kitty was coming back to England and of course she must come and stay with her father and mother till her child was born. Then followed certain instructions that Kitty must be sure to follow and various details of her sister Doris's confinement. The little boy weighed so and so much and his paternal grandfather said he had never seen a finer child. Doris was expecting again and they hoped for another boy in order to make the succession to the baronetcy quite sure.
Kitty saw that the point of the letter lay in the definite date set for the invitation. Mrs. Garstin had no intention of being saddled with a widowed daughter in modest circumstances. It was singular, when she reflected how her mother had idolized her, that now, disappointed in her, she found her merely a nuisance. How strange was the relation between parents and children! When they were small the parents doted on them, passed through agonies of apprehension at each childish ailment, and the children clung to their parents with love and adoration; a few years passed, the children grew up, and persons not of their kin were more important to their happiness than father or mother. Indifference displaced the blind and instinctive love of the past. Their meetings were a source of boredom and irritation. Distracted once at the thought of a month's separation they were able now to look forward with equanimity to being parted for years. Her mother need not worry: as soon as she could she would make herself a home of her own. But she must have a little time; at present everything was vague and she could not form any picture of the future: perhaps she would die in childbirth; that would be a solution of many difficulties.
But when they docked two letters were handed to her. She was surprised to recognize her father's writing: she did not remember that he had ever written to her. He was not effusive, and began: Dear Kitty. He told her that he was writing instead of her mother who had not been well and was obliged to go into a nursing home to have an operation. Kitty was not to be frightened and was to keep to her intention of going round by sea; it was much more expensive to come across by land and with her mother away it would be inconvenient for Kitty to stay at the house in Harrington Gardens. The other was from Doris and it started: Kitty darling, not because Doris had any particular affection for her, but because it was her way thus to address everyone she knew.
Kitty darling
I expect Father has written to you. Mother has got to have an operation. It appears that she has been rotten for the last year, but you know she hates doctors and she's been taking all sorts of patent medicines. I don't quite know what's the matter with her as she insists on making a secret of the whole thing and flies into a passion if you ask her questions. She has been looking simply awful and if I were you I think I'd get off at Marseilles and come back as quick as you can. But don't let on that I told you to come as she pretends there's nothing much the matter with her and she doesn't want you to get here till she's back at home. She's made the doctors promise that she shall be moved in a week. Best love.
DORIS
I'm awfully sorry about Walter. You must have had a hell of a time, poor darling. I'm simply dying to see you. It's rather funny our both having babies together. We shall be able to hold one another's hands.
Kitty, lost in reflection, stood for a little while on the deck. She could not imagine her mother ill. She never remembered to have seen her other than active and resolute; she had always been impatient of other people's ailments. Then a steward came up to her with a telegram.
Deeply regret to inform you that your mother died this morning. Father.
當船抵達馬賽的時候，凱蒂正在看著崎嶇而美麗的海岸線在陽光的照耀下泛著紅色，突然金色的圣母瑪利亞的雕像映入了眼簾，它矗立在圣母教堂的頂端，作為一種象征守護著大海上水手們的安全。她還記得湄潭府修道院的那些修女，在永遠地離開故土的那一刻，如何向著雕像跪拜，當?shù)裣駶u漸遠去，在藍色天空的映襯下，變成了一小團金色的火焰，她們又用祈禱來尋求減輕心中與故土家人分別的痛苦。她握緊雙手，祈愿某種自己也不知道的力量來支撐她。
在漫長、安靜的航行中，她不停地想到發(fā)生在自己身上的那些可怕的事情。她都無法理解自己，一切均是出乎意料的。究竟是什么使她鬼迷心竅，盡管她鄙視他，而且全身心地鄙視他，可竟然會激動地半推半就地倒在了他骯臟的懷抱中？憤怒填滿了她的內心，對自己的厭惡糾纏著她，她覺得自己決不能忘記這個羞辱，她又忍不住哭了。但是，隨著離香港越來越遠，她發(fā)現(xiàn)自己不知不覺地把原來很清晰的怨恨之情慢慢地淡忘了。她好像是一個突然發(fā)了瘋病的人，完全失去了控制，恢復了以后，還模模糊糊記得自己荒誕不經的行為，并為此感到懊惱和羞愧。但因為她知道那不是真正的自己，所以在她自己的眼中，至少她可以求得人們的原諒。凱蒂就想，也許寬宏大量的人們可以為她惋惜，而不是譴責她。但當她悲傷地想到自信已經被擊得粉碎，不禁嘆了口氣。原來在她面前的道路似乎伸展得筆直，但是現(xiàn)在她看到的是彎彎曲曲的道路，無數(shù)的陷阱在等著她。印度洋無垠的洋面和凄美的日落讓她放松了一些，她似乎來到了某個國度，在這里她的靈魂可以得到自由。如果她得經過苦痛的掙扎才能重獲自尊的話，那么好吧，她必須找到勇氣來面對它。
未來是孤獨和艱難的。在賽德港她收到了一封來自她母親的信件，是對她拍發(fā)電報的回復。這封長信是用大號的花體字寫成，這種字體是她母親年輕時，年輕女士們需要學習的一種技能，華麗的字體非常整潔，給你一種不是很真誠的印象。賈斯汀夫人在信中對沃爾特的去世表達了她的哀悼，對她女兒的悲痛恰當?shù)乇硎玖宋繂枺ε聞P蒂日后的生活會發(fā)生困難，但是殖民地當局自然會給她一筆撫恤金。她很高興凱蒂將很快回到英國，顯然凱蒂也有必要回來和她的父母待在一起，直到她的孩子出生。接下來的話是指導凱蒂在孕期一定要注意的事項，以及她妹妹多瑞絲妊娠期間的各種細節(jié)。多瑞絲的兒子出生時又大又重，他的爺爺說，他從來沒見過比他更壯實的孩子了。多瑞絲又懷孕了，他們希望最好還是個男孩，好讓準男爵的爵位萬無一失地繼承下去。
凱蒂看出了這封信的要點就是為邀請設定一個確切的日期，即使這個邀請有點兒勉為其難。賈斯汀夫人并不打算為一個處于窘迫境地的、做了寡婦的女兒背上經濟負擔。真是奇怪，她母親在小時非常寵愛她，而現(xiàn)在卻對她很失望，把她當作了累贅。父母和子女之間的關系是多么奇怪呀！當他們小的時候，父母溺愛他們，每當他們鬧點兒小病小災，父母就緊張害怕得不得了，而孩子們也依賴父母，對他們滿是愛和崇拜。多少年過去了，孩子們長大了，一些跟他們沒有血緣關系的人，對于他們幸福與否的重要性會比他們的父親或母親更甚。冷漠取代了過去盲目和本能的愛。父母與孩子的見面會成為無聊和惱怒的來源。曾經一想到有一個月的分離，他們便牽腸掛肚，而現(xiàn)在他們反而期待多分開幾年落得個清凈。她的母親真的不必擔心，凱蒂一到英國，就會盡快找地方安頓下來，但是她必須得有點兒時間。目前，一切都不太明朗，她還構建不出任何一個有關未來的規(guī)劃，也許她會死于難產，那對于很多難題來說倒不失為一種解決方案。
船到了碼頭，有人把兩封信交給了她。她很吃驚，因為認出了那是他父親的筆跡，他從來沒給她寫過信，而且不怎么流露感情。信以“親愛的凱蒂”開頭，在信中，他告訴她他代替她母親給她寫信是因為她母親身體欠安，不得不去一家小型私人醫(yī)院做一個手術。凱蒂沒有感到特別的擔心，還是打算通過繞點兒遠坐船回家，因為從陸路上走要貴得多，而且她母親不在家，對于凱蒂待在哈靈頓花園的家中多有不便。另一封信來自多瑞絲，信是這樣開頭的：“凱蒂寶貝”。倒不是因為多瑞絲對她有什么特殊的感情，而是她對每一個認識的人都這么稱呼。
凱蒂寶貝：
我希望父親已經給你寫了信。母親不得不去做一個手術。她好像去年就不太舒服了，但是你知道她這個人諱疾忌醫(yī)，而且她一直在吃各種專賣藥，我不知道她到底得了什么病，因為她堅持對整個病情保守秘密，如果你問她這方面的問題，她會暴跳如雷。她看上去很糟糕，如果我是你的話，我就會從馬賽下船，然后盡可能快地回來。但是不要讓她知道我告訴你要趕緊回來，因為她還假裝她的身體無大礙，她還想在你到家之前回來呢，她讓醫(yī)生承諾她一周之內出院。
愛你的多瑞絲
對于沃爾特的事，我感到特別難過。你一定度過了一段難熬的時間，可憐的寶貝。我非常期待見到你，我們倆一起懷上了孩子，真好玩，我們可以握握手了。
凱蒂站在甲板上，陷入了沉思。她不能想象她母親會生病，她記得什么時候看見她都是精力充沛，意志堅強，對別人的頭疼腦熱總是不耐煩。這時，一個船員過來遞給了她一封電報。
非常悲痛地通知你，你母親今晨逝世。父親。
