雙語(yǔ)·面紗 第七十八章

78

As the ship steamed into Marseilles, Kitty, looking at the rugged and beautiful outline of the coast glowing in the sunlight, on a sudden caught sight of the golden statue of the Blessed Virgin which stands upon the church of Sainte Marie de la Grace as a symbol of safety to the mariner at sea. She remembered how the Sisters of the convent at Mei-tan-fu, leaving their own land for ever, had knelt as the figure faded in the distance so that it was no more than a little golden flame in the blue sky and sought in prayer to allay the pang of separation. She clasped her hands in supplication to what power she knew not.

During the long, quiet journey she had thought incessantly of the horrible thing that had happened to her. She could not understand herself. It was so unexpected. What was it that had seized her, so that, despising him, despising him with all her heart, she had yielded passionately to Charlie's foul embrace? Rage filled her and disgust of herself obsessed her. She felt that she could never forget her humiliation. She wept. But as the distance from Hong Kong increased she found that she was insensibly losing the vividness of her resentment. What had happened seemed to have happened in another world. She was like a person who has been stricken with sudden madness and recovering is distressed and ashamed at the grotesque things he vaguely remembers to have done when he was not himself. But because he knows he was not himself he feels that in his own eyes at least he can claim indulgence. Kitty thought that perhaps a generous heart might pity rather than condemn her. But she sighed as she thought how woefully her self-confidence had been shattered. The way had seemed to stretch before her straight and easy and now she saw that it was a tortuous way and that pitfalls awaited her. The vast spaces and the tragic and beautiful sunsets of the Indian Ocean rested her. She seemed borne then to some country where she might in freedom possess her soul. If she could only regain her self-respect at the cost of a bitter conflict, well, she must find the courage to affront it.

The future was lonely and difficult. At Port Said she had received a letter from her mother in answer to her cable. It was a long letter written in the large and fanciful writing which was taught to young ladies in her mother's youth. Its ornateness was so neat that it gave you an impression of insincerity. Mrs. Garstin expressed her regret at Walter's death and sympathised properly with her daughter's grief. She feared that Kitty was left inadequately provided for, but naturally the Colonial Office would give her a pension. She was glad to know that Kitty was coming back to England and of course she must come and stay with her father and mother till her child was born. Then followed certain instructions that Kitty must be sure to follow and various details of her sister Doris's confinement. The little boy weighed so and so much and his paternal grandfather said he had never seen a finer child. Doris was expecting again and they hoped for another boy in order to make the succession to the baronetcy quite sure.

Kitty saw that the point of the letter lay in the definite date set for the invitation. Mrs. Garstin had no intention of being saddled with a widowed daughter in modest circumstances. It was singular, when she reflected how her mother had idolized her, that now, disappointed in her, she found her merely a nuisance. How strange was the relation between parents and children! When they were small the parents doted on them, passed through agonies of apprehension at each childish ailment, and the children clung to their parents with love and adoration; a few years passed, the children grew up, and persons not of their kin were more important to their happiness than father or mother. Indifference displaced the blind and instinctive love of the past. Their meetings were a source of boredom and irritation. Distracted once at the thought of a month's separation they were able now to look forward with equanimity to being parted for years. Her mother need not worry: as soon as she could she would make herself a home of her own. But she must have a little time; at present everything was vague and she could not form any picture of the future: perhaps she would die in childbirth; that would be a solution of many difficulties.

But when they docked two letters were handed to her. She was surprised to recognize her father's writing: she did not remember that he had ever written to her. He was not effusive, and began: Dear Kitty. He told her that he was writing instead of her mother who had not been well and was obliged to go into a nursing home to have an operation. Kitty was not to be frightened and was to keep to her intention of going round by sea; it was much more expensive to come across by land and with her mother away it would be inconvenient for Kitty to stay at the house in Harrington Gardens. The other was from Doris and it started: Kitty darling, not because Doris had any particular affection for her, but because it was her way thus to address everyone she knew.

Kitty darling

I expect Father has written to you. Mother has got to have an operation. It appears that she has been rotten for the last year, but you know she hates doctors and she's been taking all sorts of patent medicines. I don't quite know what's the matter with her as she insists on making a secret of the whole thing and flies into a passion if you ask her questions. She has been looking simply awful and if I were you I think I'd get off at Marseilles and come back as quick as you can. But don't let on that I told you to come as she pretends there's nothing much the matter with her and she doesn't want you to get here till she's back at home. She's made the doctors promise that she shall be moved in a week. Best love.

DORIS

I'm awfully sorry about Walter. You must have had a hell of a time, poor darling. I'm simply dying to see you. It's rather funny our both having babies together. We shall be able to hold one another's hands.

Kitty, lost in reflection, stood for a little while on the deck. She could not imagine her mother ill. She never remembered to have seen her other than active and resolute; she had always been impatient of other people's ailments. Then a steward came up to her with a telegram.

Deeply regret to inform you that your mother died this morning. Father.

第七十八章

當(dāng)船抵達(dá)馬賽的時(shí)候，凱蒂正在看著崎嶇而美麗的海岸線在陽(yáng)光的照耀下泛著紅色，突然金色的圣母瑪利亞的雕像映入了眼簾，它矗立在圣母教堂的頂端，作為一種象征守護(hù)著大海上水手們的安全。她還記得湄潭府修道院的那些修女，在永遠(yuǎn)地離開故土的那一刻，如何向著雕像跪拜，當(dāng)?shù)裣駶u漸遠(yuǎn)去，在藍(lán)色天空的映襯下，變成了一小團(tuán)金色的火焰，她們又用祈禱來(lái)尋求減輕心中與故土家人分別的痛苦。她握緊雙手，祈愿某種自己也不知道的力量來(lái)支撐她。

在漫長(zhǎng)、安靜的航行中，她不停地想到發(fā)生在自己身上的那些可怕的事情。她都無(wú)法理解自己，一切均是出乎意料的。究竟是什么使她鬼迷心竅，盡管她鄙視他，而且全身心地鄙視他，可竟然會(huì)激動(dòng)地半推半就地倒在了他骯臟的懷抱中？憤怒填滿了她的內(nèi)心，對(duì)自己的厭惡糾纏著她，她覺得自己決不能忘記這個(gè)羞辱，她又忍不住哭了。但是，隨著離香港越來(lái)越遠(yuǎn)，她發(fā)現(xiàn)自己不知不覺地把原來(lái)很清晰的怨恨之情慢慢地淡忘了。她好像是一個(gè)突然發(fā)了瘋病的人，完全失去了控制，恢復(fù)了以后，還模模糊糊記得自己荒誕不經(jīng)的行為，并為此感到懊惱和羞愧。但因?yàn)樗滥遣皇钦嬲淖约海栽谒约旱难壑?，至少她可以求得人們的原諒。凱蒂就想，也許寬宏大量的人們可以為她惋惜，而不是譴責(zé)她。但當(dāng)她悲傷地想到自信已經(jīng)被擊得粉碎，不禁嘆了口氣。原來(lái)在她面前的道路似乎伸展得筆直，但是現(xiàn)在她看到的是彎彎曲曲的道路，無(wú)數(shù)的陷阱在等著她。印度洋無(wú)垠的洋面和凄美的日落讓她放松了一些，她似乎來(lái)到了某個(gè)國(guó)度，在這里她的靈魂可以得到自由。如果她得經(jīng)過(guò)苦痛的掙扎才能重獲自尊的話，那么好吧，她必須找到勇氣來(lái)面對(duì)它。

未來(lái)是孤獨(dú)和艱難的。在賽德港她收到了一封來(lái)自她母親的信件，是對(duì)她拍發(fā)電報(bào)的回復(fù)。這封長(zhǎng)信是用大號(hào)的花體字寫成，這種字體是她母親年輕時(shí)，年輕女士們需要學(xué)習(xí)的一種技能，華麗的字體非常整潔，給你一種不是很真誠(chéng)的印象。賈斯汀夫人在信中對(duì)沃爾特的去世表達(dá)了她的哀悼，對(duì)她女兒的悲痛恰當(dāng)?shù)乇硎玖宋繂?wèn)，她害怕凱蒂日后的生活會(huì)發(fā)生困難，但是殖民地當(dāng)局自然會(huì)給她一筆撫恤金。她很高興凱蒂將很快回到英國(guó)，顯然凱蒂也有必要回來(lái)和她的父母待在一起，直到她的孩子出生。接下來(lái)的話是指導(dǎo)凱蒂在孕期一定要注意的事項(xiàng)，以及她妹妹多瑞絲妊娠期間的各種細(xì)節(jié)。多瑞絲的兒子出生時(shí)又大又重，他的爺爺說(shuō)，他從來(lái)沒(méi)見過(guò)比他更壯實(shí)的孩子了。多瑞絲又懷孕了，他們希望最好還是個(gè)男孩，好讓準(zhǔn)男爵的爵位萬(wàn)無(wú)一失地繼承下去。

凱蒂看出了這封信的要點(diǎn)就是為邀請(qǐng)?jiān)O(shè)定一個(gè)確切的日期，即使這個(gè)邀請(qǐng)有點(diǎn)兒勉為其難。賈斯汀夫人并不打算為一個(gè)處于窘迫境地的、做了寡婦的女兒背上經(jīng)濟(jì)負(fù)擔(dān)。真是奇怪，她母親在小時(shí)非常寵愛她，而現(xiàn)在卻對(duì)她很失望，把她當(dāng)作了累贅。父母和子女之間的關(guān)系是多么奇怪呀！當(dāng)他們小的時(shí)候，父母溺愛他們，每當(dāng)他們鬧點(diǎn)兒小病小災(zāi)，父母就緊張害怕得不得了，而孩子們也依賴父母，對(duì)他們滿是愛和崇拜。多少年過(guò)去了，孩子們長(zhǎng)大了，一些跟他們沒(méi)有血緣關(guān)系的人，對(duì)于他們幸福與否的重要性會(huì)比他們的父親或母親更甚。冷漠取代了過(guò)去盲目和本能的愛。父母與孩子的見面會(huì)成為無(wú)聊和惱怒的來(lái)源。曾經(jīng)一想到有一個(gè)月的分離，他們便牽腸掛肚，而現(xiàn)在他們反而期待多分開幾年落得個(gè)清凈。她的母親真的不必?fù)?dān)心，凱蒂一到英國(guó)，就會(huì)盡快找地方安頓下來(lái)，但是她必須得有點(diǎn)兒時(shí)間。目前，一切都不太明朗，她還構(gòu)建不出任何一個(gè)有關(guān)未來(lái)的規(guī)劃，也許她會(huì)死于難產(chǎn)，那對(duì)于很多難題來(lái)說(shuō)倒不失為一種解決方案。

船到了碼頭，有人把兩封信交給了她。她很吃驚，因?yàn)檎J(rèn)出了那是他父親的筆跡，他從來(lái)沒(méi)給她寫過(guò)信，而且不怎么流露感情。信以“親愛的凱蒂”開頭，在信中，他告訴她他代替她母親給她寫信是因?yàn)樗赣H身體欠安，不得不去一家小型私人醫(yī)院做一個(gè)手術(shù)。凱蒂?zèng)]有感到特別的擔(dān)心，還是打算通過(guò)繞點(diǎn)兒遠(yuǎn)坐船回家，因?yàn)閺年懧飞献咭F得多，而且她母親不在家，對(duì)于凱蒂待在哈靈頓花園的家中多有不便。另一封信來(lái)自多瑞絲，信是這樣開頭的：“凱蒂寶貝”。倒不是因?yàn)槎嗳鸾z對(duì)她有什么特殊的感情，而是她對(duì)每一個(gè)認(rèn)識(shí)的人都這么稱呼。

凱蒂寶貝：

我希望父親已經(jīng)給你寫了信。母親不得不去做一個(gè)手術(shù)。她好像去年就不太舒服了，但是你知道她這個(gè)人諱疾忌醫(yī)，而且她一直在吃各種專賣藥，我不知道她到底得了什么病，因?yàn)樗龍?jiān)持對(duì)整個(gè)病情保守秘密，如果你問(wèn)她這方面的問(wèn)題，她會(huì)暴跳如雷。她看上去很糟糕，如果我是你的話，我就會(huì)從馬賽下船，然后盡可能快地回來(lái)。但是不要讓她知道我告訴你要趕緊回來(lái)，因?yàn)樗€假裝她的身體無(wú)大礙，她還想在你到家之前回來(lái)呢，她讓醫(yī)生承諾她一周之內(nèi)出院。

愛你的多瑞絲

對(duì)于沃爾特的事，我感到特別難過(guò)。你一定度過(guò)了一段難熬的時(shí)間，可憐的寶貝。我非常期待見到你，我們倆一起懷上了孩子，真好玩，我們可以握握手了。

凱蒂站在甲板上，陷入了沉思。她不能想象她母親會(huì)生病，她記得什么時(shí)候看見她都是精力充沛，意志堅(jiān)強(qiáng)，對(duì)別人的頭疼腦熱總是不耐煩。這時(shí)，一個(gè)船員過(guò)來(lái)遞給了她一封電報(bào)。

非常悲痛地通知你，你母親今晨逝世。父親。